One important thing to understand about Germans is that all Germans are very well-off, monetarily speaking. You might be tempted to reply “that’s not true, I know a lot of Germans who never seem to have any money on them and can’t afford even small things”, but don’t mistake this as an indicator of their actual net worth.

The moral dilemma Germans are in, is that they consider people who have money to be boring squares. In their never-ending quest to be special while not diverging from their peers too much, Germans have perfected the act of appearing eternally broke while they’re actually buying loft-apartments in Berlin-Mitte - when nobody is looking. As you might already have found out, Germans love being in win-win situations like this one: On the outside, they can maintain the “urban bohemian” appearance, while secretly preparing the “boring” and “square” lifestyle they like to ridicule.

For example, when you ask a German person to go see a movie together, they will probably say “well, this month I am a bit short on money, so…I can’t go out at all”. You are then expected by the German person to either pay for them, or, ask them about their job. Choosing the latter will launch the German person into a multi-minute rant on how their current job is not really the field of work they set out to conquer, and how they are starting to do a paid internship in Architecture / Arts / Advertising / Design / Music in the near future. However bleak and quixotic the career plans of that German person sound, you must always reply in a positive, encouraging way, like head-nodding or by saying “Das ist Cool” a lot.

The take-away from this is that you should never worry about the financial situation of that German person. They are all off to a completely secure, bourgeois future, either because their dentist parents will pay for it, or they get a well-paid job automatically after they turn 30.

One important thing to remember is: Never mention the antagonism between the “poor artist ” image the German person likes you to see and all the money they are sitting on. If you do, they will probably say something along the lines of “Oh, but that money is not money I want to use, that money is for my future. Now, can I lend your car for the weekend?”. The more probable scenario though is they will erect an emotional barrier between them and you and your chances to befriend that German person are almost zero.

If you want to be safe, it’s commendable to first calculate the German person’s approximate net worth using this easy formula:

The number of days a German person does not shower multiplied by the pieces of thrift store clothing he/she owns multiplied by 100,000.00 EUR is the approximate net worth of that German person.

For the sake of completeness, it should be stated that if you ever meet a German person who willingly admits how much money they have or earn at their job, you should immediately stop seeing this person, as those people are not considered “the right type of German”.