Who roots for the underdog? Well, German people definitely do — and they won’t be satisfied until the whole world joins them. What’s not to like? Supporting the underdog against an overpowering opponent is a nice gesture and nobody in their right mind would opt to live in a cold-hearted society solely ruled by survival-of-the-fittest. Predictably, elite German people are especially partial to underdogs. In fact, they are so proficient in determining what side to stand on and then passive-aggressively forcing this view on you, they will be completely disappointed should you be so rude and ignore their brazenly worded offer to do your thinking for you. It goes without saying that any sign of being impartial to the underdog, or even rooting for the overdog, will destroy your progress with the Germans for good, and no amount of showing up as the “exotic overseas friend” at a trendy bar will make up for it.

In order to be accepted by elite German people, you will be expected to join them on whatever side they, or more likely, someone they admire have determined to be the underdog. It cannot be stressed enough how important it is to not take any chances in this serious matter. Do not, at any rate, apply what you learned about irony and join the other side of the argument in jest — German people won’t consider this to be at all funny or quirky, because to them, the determination to always root for the underdog maybe be the most important, non-debatable character traits of all. Once they have drawn the line, it is understood that the underdog is exempt from criticism or relativization, and a very convenient way to show others your political correctness.

Furthermore, German people take some pride in being a very committed people; and indeed, this character trait also applies to their stance on underdogs. Once they acknowledge someone or something to be the underdog, German people will stick to their view until the end of days, broad-mindedly ignoring any new facts to the contrary that might turn up. Even when it is apparent that the table has completely turned and their beloved underdog has long become the overdog, German people are usually too entangled in their dogma to notice it. This sometimes makes it hard for a newbie Auslander, applying  common sense, to correctly determine who the underdog is.

In order to blend in with the Germans, and more importantly, to dodge embarrassing small talk moments, it is important to at the least know the three most beloved underdogs of German people: Cyclists, Palestinians, and the football club FC St. Pauli.

With cyclists being dealt with in another article and the Israel-Palestine conflict being a topic this blog wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole, let’s take a look at the football club FC St. Pauli.

FC St.Pauli is an out-and-out mediocre football club based in the “cult” red light district of Hamburg. The club’s main claim to fame is its “pirate” image. The reasoning runs like this: Hamburg is located 100 kilometers from the north sea, plus the club has a quirky logo featuring a white-on-black skull and bones. There you go — they’re just like pirates, yeah? What’s that? You aren’t quite convinced of their underdog status yet? What are you, a moron? Eh? EH? All right, let’s not get into a fight just yet and lay it out for you:

FC St.Pauli has a very large base of supporters all around the world, despite playing mostly in the 2nd or 3rd league. Elite German people are required to have a critical stance towards the commercialization of football. That’s why they can relate so well to FC St. Pauli. Like them, FC St. Pauli seems to be eternally broke and constantly has to come up with quirky ways to make money, ie playing ironic exhibition matches against allegedly evil football clubs like FC Bayern Munich. Moreover, elite German people love give off an air of non-commitment, because in terms of coolness, it gives them an edge over anyone who puts a real effort into becoming good at something. To them, FC St. Pauli’s dabbling around in the minor leagues is akin to a political statement to never become like one of those awfully zealous yuppie football clubs.

People who already are a fan of another club, or even don’t care much for football love every little aspect of FC St. Pauli. Ask them why, and they will give you a 20-minute lecture why FC St.Pauli is “ze totaler Kult”, and why you should totally buy one of those cool, ironic St.Pauli “Retter” T-shirts. Both home and away, there will always be plenty of supporters present to cheer their team on. Moreover, judging from the ubiquity of FC St. Pauli merchandise being worn in the elite parts of any German town, the club should do pretty well financially. How popular is FC St.Pauli? It is so popular that, during a match, even players from the opponent teams are suffering from a conflict of loyalties because they’re secretly rooting for FC St. Pauli.

Granted, to the untrained eye, FC St. Pauli may not look like an underdog at all. Nonetheless, when a much weaker and smaller team with less supporters plays St.Pauli, German people will still consider St.Pauli to be the underdog in this pairing. Why, you ask? Because, you know, isn’t St. Pauli just wonderfully edgy with its pirate flag, uberdiverse fan-base, and that small, kitschy Disneyland of counter-culture of an arena with its proximity to that infamous Reeperbahn red-light district, which by the way has some really edgy bars and clubs where everybody goes for beers after the match, and how it every year manages to rise up against those evil, capitalist football clubs with their suspicious ambitiousness? How can you not be rooting for the good guys?

Every time St.Pauli is defeated, which happens a lot, the fans will soon claim there must have been some kind of conspiracy or bribing involved, because “the man” is trying to hold St.Pauli down. That man can be anyone with a suit on, like Hamburg’s mayor, the Bundesliga president, or Rupert Murdoch. On the other hand, once St.Pauli wins, it is always an uberheroic victory against all odds, made possible by the uniquely strong union between the club and its fans. Basically, there’s more pathos at a FC St. Pauli match than at an American veteran’s Pearl Harbour memorial celebration. A situation in which the St.Pauli players aren’t the good guys just isn’t imaginable. If you typed “FC St.Pauli is not an underdog” into Microsoft Word, a red squiggly line would appear underneath.

Use your new knowledge wisely. If you are looking for a convenient way to score some sympathy points with your German acquaintances, just proclaim you are a fan of FC St.Pauli, and that you are determined to support it in its never ending, incredibly courageous struggle against capitalism, fascism, and becoming good at football.

Loading mentions Retweet