It seems the sole reason for the city of Munich to exist is to make Berlin people feel better about themselves. Whenever a conversation changes topic to the city of Munich, elite German people, without fail, will suddenly become very agitated, especially if they are die-hard Berlin-Mitte fans. At this point, prepare yourself for a thirty-minute lecture on how conservative, clueless, and backwards Munich is, compared to the cradle of creativity, individuality, and edginess, that is Berlin.
As it lies in the nature of rants, they reveal more about the sketchy self-esteem and fragile psyche of the ranter than about the subject matter at hand. To a neutral observer, it can be quite a revelation to learn that Berlin, the self-proclaimed capital of art, counter-culture, and affordable wooden-floored Altbau apartments, constantly feels challenged to validate its assumed superiority against a hinterland town that’s just a quarter the size, and advertises itself as being the stomping grounds for a pack of never-heard-of German D-List celebrities. It probably is clever to never ask your Berlin friends for an explanation why the self-proclaimed cultural center of the world obsesses about being cooler than Munich instead of working on catching up with proper metropolises - you would force your German acquaintances to speak very defensively and chances are you won’t be on the guest list for Ricardo Villalobos’ next gig. Rather, use your insight about this weakness wisely to reaffirm their image of you being an individual who’s not afraid to “think different”: Whenever possible, drop a snarky remark about “that aweful, backwards town in Bavaria that’s full of capitalists.” Generously ignore the fact that Munich is loved all over the world for being exactly that — a mid-size town with money and a charming lack of misguided ambition to compete with larger cities, like Berlin.
Because it is next to impossible to hear an unbiased opinion about Munich, you could be tempted to go there to do some researching by yourself. Shhh, not so loud! They can hear us you know. You must not tell anyone about your plan. If you do accidentally let your tongue slip, not all may be lost. But always be prepared to come up with an acceptable explanation for your trip. One excuse could be: “I have been asked to go to Munich to spin some indie electronica at a vernissage. God, what did I do to deserve this ordeal?”, which will earn you a lot of pity points and your German acquaintances might pay for your drinks that night. Second, and recommended, option: Say you were asked to visit Munich as part of a performance art project, which involves you ironically embracing the trademark Munich lifestyle, complete with spikey, geled up hair, popped collar polo shirt, a white VW Golf Convertible, and visit to a Bayern Munich match, all while filming it with a half-broken Super-8 camera you bought at a Berlin flea market, to later show it at a spontaneous guerilla exhibition in a pop-up gallery in the trendy part of Neukölln.
Arriving in Munich, you will instantly feel right at home because Munich people, just like Berliners, embrace the fashion of the 80s and like to dress decidely retro. Upon a closer look, though, you’ll find out that in contrast to Berlin, there isn’t even a hint of irony in the Munich version of sucking up to a certain decade and adapting its fashion, music, and attitudes, to fill the depressing shallowness of one’s fragile personality. Overall, Munich people seem to have a lot of catching-up to do when it comes to irony.
Walking through downtown Munich, you’ll immediately notice how clean and tarted up it is. That’s because people are so far back in all things hip, they still haven’t adapted to the “poor but sexy” lifestyle that really thrives in a glamorously bleak and gritty setting like Berlin. In fact, the nicest parts of Munich are so clean and posh they look like they have been dreamt up by Walt Disney and maintained by an army of Swiss people with Compulsive Obsessive Disorder. Makes you wonder if Munich will ever be able to catch up with the glorious history of dirt, trash, rot, and megalomaniac immigrants of Berlin, or if it will forever be stuck in all its posh and pretty insignificance.
If you are a newbie to Germany who hasn’t yet fully subscribed to the superior, forward-thinking worldview of the new Berlin elite, be warned. During a visit to Munich, you might be tempted by the dark side. In that life in Munich seems to come with all those boring, mainstream, and pro-capitalist perks your Berlin friends have always warned you about, like jobs, cleanliness, and friendly people. It just might look and feel like the Germany you always hoped to find. You might even be deluded into thinking living in such a place might after all make you happier than living in a city that's trying too hard, and failing, to become a low-budget, low-ambition, small-size imitation of Williamsburg, NYC.
Contrary to Berlin, many international companies, like the beloved Apple Inc., have set up shop in or around Munich, so there are a lot of those soul-crushing, creativity-averse jobs on offer. Munich people seem to have never heard about the rise of the creative class and are still showing some kind of perverted pride in having a well-compensated job that’s not even remotely related to art, music, or fashion. Basically, people from Munich are like those eager overachievers back in your school days, you know, those uncool kids who invested all their energy into learning instead of being “different.” Even more disgusting is with how little self-doubt Munich people spend their money, the poor consumerist freaks they are: Whether it is expensive hair dyes, flashy cars, or super-high-maintenance wives and girlfriends, if something requires abundant spending and a healthy lack of humbleness, Munich people will be all over it.
There you have it: The fundamental flaw of Munich. Her people are still too much entangled in the oppressively paternalistic patterns of the last millennium. Instead of simply becoming members of the urban boheme and cleverly live on the lavish public funding the German government provides for self-proclaimed artists, they prefer to earn their own, selfish money with jobs in evil multinational corporations or retail stores that aren’t even remotely pop-up or guerilla. They just don’t seem to get that being good at something is just so last millenium. What really annoys Berliners is when Munich guys beat them at their own game, for example by becoming the world’s most flamboyant, internationally acclaimed Techno DJ: If a Berlin person ever asks you for your opionion on DJ Hell, say “Oh, you mean that overachieving sell-out who stopped being interesting, like, decades ago? I doubt he's still booked in Berlin, etcetera??”
Remember, you’re visiting Munich to prove to yourself how cool Berlin is, so you should waste no time and start making notes about all the lame (meaning: different from Berlin) things you experience. Back home, talking down Munich using real-world examples and snarky commentary will be highly beneficial for your popularity with Berlin’s elite.
