As globalization progresses, inhabitants of poorer countries are catching up to the living standards of the western world. Citizens of India, South America, and some Asian countries are tearing down their ramshackle buildings and get themselves nice new homes as soon as they can. All over the world, it’s a no-brainer that you would rather live in a building with a water-tight roof, working electricity, a modern heating system, and a convenient layout of rooms.

All over the world? Not so fast, Auslander! For Germans, the choice of home is anything but a trivial matter based on common-sense consideration. This choice may in fact be the single most important influence on how well you will do with the Germans. That being said, moving into the *right* apartment in the *right* neighborhood will be a lasting “friendship catalyst” which will enable you to find and keep many German acquaintances.

First, forget all of those common sense (read: boring) criteria you might consider when looking for a place, i.e. proximity of proper employment opportunities, nice neighborhood, working electricity, cleanliness, and last but not least age of the building. Basically the only acceptable type of home for Germans is “Altbau” which, literally translated means “old building”, but for Germans it carries the mystic aura of an anti-establishment, anti-capitalist. wooden-floored feel-good utopia, even if in reality, those buildings are mostly owned by the worst sort of capitalist who never put any money into renovating because they know they will rent off their beat-up apartments to easily impressed youngsters from the Baden-Wuerttemberg anyway. Never speak to Germans about this, though. You will be shunned for your mainstream way of thinking. Only when Germans finally become adults (earliest cases recorded were at 42 years of age), they are allowed to trade their “Altbau” apartment for an “sanierte Altbau” apartment. “Saniert” means that it’s the same kind of run-down old building, but the landlord will put in a new bathtub and paint the walls before you move in. These are in very high demand as they give German the opportunity to both feel young and edgy, while at the same time spending their savings on boring stuff like housing.

When looking for your “schoene Altbau”, you can score extra points by finding a place that has a coal oven instead of a proper heating system. When questioned about it, you should always answer like “Yeah it’s a bit hardcore to use that coal oven, but it also adds a lot of charm to the apartment”. You should then state that you are planning to move to a new place anyway in the next months, both to allay your German friend’s worries about your usefulness as a place to crash when they have a problem with their flat share, and also because it’s considered a cool, quirky lifestyle to pack all your stuff and move to a new place at least once a year. Bonus points if you move to a flat share with art students, fashion designers and / or deejays.

To further illustrate this point: It is statistically proven that the perfect place to live for Germans is a beat up “Altbau” in a yet undiscovered part of Berlin-Friedrichshain*, complete with wooden floors, an extra room for keeping your huge vinyl record collection, close proximity to a lot ofnon-mainstream movie theaters, self-made clothing boutiques, design book shops, and clubs that mainly “spin” electronic music.

Germans will invite themselves to your flat on weekends to use it as a base for their nightlife activities. To totally bliss out your German acquaintances (and those random people you find sleeping on your bed), treat them to a brunch in a nearby organic cafe.

If you can’t go all German yet and chose to live in a new home in a nice part of the town, never invite any of your friends over. It’s better to keep it a secret, and in this case, a white lie is acceptable. If you are brave, try to 1-up them by stating that you don’t really have your own place to live but prefer to crash with your edgy art school friends from other countries every night. Your German acquaintances will congratulate you for your eccentric, interesting lifestyle.