5. Confused dark-haired girls
There are two exceptions from the No-TV rule, though. One is for TV dramas that are catering to the left-leaning American middle class, such as The Sopranos, The Wire, or Curb Your Enthusiasm. More about that another time. The other, more frequent and important exception they make is for confused, dark-haired girls. Confused, dark-haired girls have been deifyed by the natives of Germany since the late sixties. It is understood without saying that they also embody anybody’s dream sex partner. This applies to straight women as well.
Confused dark-haired girls of course know about the effect they have on German people, so they are milking this affection to the last Euro-cent by writing inane books ridiculing people who shower once a day, recording indie albums, or working as TV presenters for quirky, “young” variety shows where they go to such extremes as smoking real cigarettes on air (!). For German people, this means the epitome of postmodern cultural criticism, a thing they revere very much.
Whenever a confused, dark-haired girl comes on screen, you will notice that the conversation suddenly stops and your German acquaintances are mesmerized by what she has to say. This is a critical situation which you must handle with the greatest possible care. Regardless of your skill level in understanding German, you are expected to watch in awe whatever the confused, dark-haired girl is doing on screen. Slowly move slightly behind the field of vision of your German acquaintances so you can watch their reaction to what happens on-screen, and mirror each of their antics.
When they laugh at the quirky things the confused, dark-haired girl says or does, you will have to laugh as well. From time to time, your German acquaintances will break their stare at the TV screen to confirm to each other how “cult”, “intellectual”, and “maverick” that confused, dark-haired girl is and how she really is “revolutionizing TV per se”. You will notice they will be talking about her by using her first name only, as if she was a close, personal friend. The only acceptable move for you during the course of the programme is to nod in admiring agreement. If feeling adventurous, you could try saying something like “there are some really edgy, yet deep people on German TV, too bad they do not get a lot of screen time, after all quality doesn’t sell ads, I guess…” This will tighten the bond between you and your German acquaintances a great deal, and you will be respected for your critical stance on anything “mainstream”.
To pamper them even more, you should say “I wish we had great, quirky TV personalities like [fill in confused dark-haired girl’s first name] in my home country”. This serves two purposes: First, it’s an opportunity for your German acquaintances to feel culturally superior to you, and second, it might give some of them a new career idea - getting into international artist management for confused, dark-haired girls. When they ask if they could mention you as their overseas contact on their “flash portfolio”, you should again nod in agreement.
Disclaimer: It is neither necessary or commendable to actually read a confused, dark-haired girl’s book. They are ditzes, after all.
