Germans love to drink lots of Italian coffee specialties, have 7 hour long breakfast sessions on the weekend, and stare at people they do not know. There is no better place to combine all these activities than a Cafe. Hence, German people are constantly striving to maximize the time spent in Cafes, or Lounges, which are Cafes made up to look like the waiting zone of an airport.

As slouching around in public places has become one major occupation for Germans, there is a natural urge to make themselves stand out from the masses. They see no point in just going to any nearby Cafe to get a quick caffeine fix. That would be considered as boring and uninspired. A German person’s “Cafe lifestyle” is the end result of a long phase of thoughtful planning. A famous German proverb goes: “The Cafe is the stage of life”, which - generic and lofty as it sound - sums up how much is at stake here pretty well.

You will be expected to have a “favorite Cafe” after a maximum of 3 days counting from your arrival in Germany. From then on, it will be the only Cafe you can go to. If you moved into the right neighborhood, chances are good there are plenty of correct places in walking (preferably: riding there on a bicycle) distance. If you are clueless, here are some hints: The Cafe you are looking for must be not be part of a soulless chain (Starbucks and it’s clones necessitate a different approach which will be handled in a separate post). In contrary, it must be privately owned and the building it is in must be an “Altbau” from the Art Nouveau era. The naming of the Cafe is usually a giveaway about it’s popularity among the “right type of Germans”: Women’s names like “Charlotte”, “Emma”, or “Clara” are a safe bet. Other favorites among Germans are names with a left-leaning, slightly political air to them, like “Frida Kahlo” or “Cafe Che”. It could happen that you mistake a “Grandma Cafe” for such a place. If you did indeed enter a Grandma Cafe (you will see lots of elderly women in tiger stripe dresses playing cards and eating cream puffs), try to make up for it by saying “yeah, it’s a total Grandma Cafe, but I somehow like the atmosphere and, grandmas have a great taste for cake. I love how older people dress up so well when they go out, they really grew up in nobler times”.

Once you managed to find a promising Cafe, look for a few key features: There should be no new stuff except the huge pro-level Italian espresso machine and today’s “Süddeutsche” newspaper. Wooden floors and old, wooden furniture is a must. Bonus points if this furniture looks like it was pulled from a dusty attic and just stands around serving no special purpose. Try to find a free table. There will be an antique sofa - don’t approach it! Even if it isn’t occupied, there’s an unwritten rule in Germany that the sofa is reserved for the regulars, like the guy who designed the Cafe’s logo. Make sure to carefully climb over the motorcade of baby carriages and buggies without frowning at the parents. They are the couple in matching bibs.

Once seated, take your time to study the menu. If you think you found a “favorite Cafe” which you could impress your German acquaintances with, it is crucial what you order there, to not ruin your track record for this Cafe. On the weekend, it is a must to have breakfast, regardless of the time of day. Don’t worry though, because in Germany, breakfast can be any given meal as long as coffee it served alongside. You might notice that the menu contains some food that is usually considered gross and old-fashioned, like Wurst. Eating this in the right type of Cafe in an ironic way is not only acceptable but will be welcomed as hip and easy-going.

Ordering coffee must be handled with extra care. If you have no clue about coffee varieties, stop reading this NOW and head to a bookstore to get a book on the topic. There will be plenty to choose from. Once you’re fluent in the language of caffeine, imagine a “coffee coolness pyramid” with “Latte Macchiato” at the bottom. Latte Macchiato has been the favorite since the mid-90s but then, it was picked up by the “wrong type of Germans”. Thankfully, German people discovered “Galao”, which is the exact same drink, just from Portugal. Put “Galao” above Latte Macchiato in our imagined pyramid. The next level is, surprisingly, plain Espresso. Many Germans who are considered “cool” by other Germans stopped worrying about what the current coffee specialty is, and now just order Espresso. This gives them the aura of being special, easy-going, and culturally versed. The tip of the pyramid though, would be to order “just a mug of filter coffee”, not because you like it, but to show you are an avant-garde intellectual who is too special to follow any trend. This is an advanced move not recommended for new arrivals in Germany. If you do it the wrong way, you will be seen as an uncultured “Proll” and your chances to earn respect from your German acquaintances are severely diminished. Alternatively, you can order beer (gives you an air of being connected with the working class, like a poor but brilliant artist), or Bio-nade, which is anti-Americanism in bottles.

As far as activities go, you will have to reconsider whatever you enjoyed doing in a Cafe in your home country. It’s flat out bad etiquette to sit straight on a chair facing each other while having some coffee and talk and then leave after 40 minutes. That would make the German people around feel very uncomfortable.Rather, learn to use the Cafe as your private living room. Women are encouraged to breast-feed their babies openly, so everybody can reassure themselves of their own broadmindedness. Be aware that using the Cafe as your office is only acceptable if your job is in Design/Music/Fashion/Arts or Architecture and you are using an Apple branded laptop. If you happen to be from a place that Germans associate with great indie music, you should bring your own little known indie CD collection and hand it over to the barista to put them on the stereo. Your German acquaintances will thank you for letting them in on some hot new indie bands they haven’t heard about yet.

Do not feel obliged to start small talk. Even if you came with other people, it’s perfectly okay just to group around a table and read books, newspapers, or write text messages. After all, you will be spending several hours there. It is not uncommon for elite German people to stay from 12pm to 12am at the same place, having breakfast, lunch, and dinner there. If you must interact with people, suggest playing a complicated German board game with lots of rules. When you choose to read a newspaper, say something like “it’s so great to have time to thoroughly read today’s newspaper, one should do that more often”, which your German people will react to with a confirming, dreamy eyed nod.

You will notice that every time somebody enters the Cafe, everybody will stop whatever they are currently doing and stare at that person for an prolonged period of time. The place will go noticeably quieter until the new person has found a free table, and placed an order. The majority of German people has at some point taken classes in social studies, so they draw pleasure out of evaluating strangers by how they look and what variety of Italian coffee they drink.

At any time of the year when the outside temperature is over 10 degrees Celsius, it is mandatory for German people to sit outside and wear only a T-Shirt. That is because of a special gene in their DNA that makes their bodies very tolerant to low temperatures. If the sun is shining, there is no lower limit of temperature. If you are fearing to catch pneumonia, which you probably will, and are able to stomach an hour of mildly amusing “you are such a wimp” jokes, you should probably put on a jacket at this point, as you will never become as tolerant towards cold weather as a German person anyway.

Extra advice for people in a fresh relationship with a German person: One day, when you wake up next to your love interest, spontaneously invite him/her to take the next train to Paris and have breakfast in a typical “Cafe Parisienne”, followed by a lazy day trying on knitted hats on flea markets, buying original baguette bread and organic french wine, and visiting some old friends of your German love interest who he/she went to art school with and are now doing an internship at a famous french luxury brand.