Ich werde ein Berliner: Archive

Ich werde ein Berliner

2012

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February 2012

60 posts

For some Auslanders who are struggling to adopt to the elite German lifestyle, the day might arrive to pack up and say goodbye. Could be you were asked by your boss to move to another city, and you, being the brain dead, anti-intellectual, zero-creative-potential corporate automaton you always were, blindly obeyed. Regardless of whatever reason has come up in your life that makes it necessary to...

57. The Mitte man

by Dolores Overgaard Puritanism is often defined as the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. Nonconformism, on the other hand, is often haunted by the possibility that someone, somewhere, may be more miserable. Someone in your ungentrified neighbourhood might be in a more open, less gender-specific and less gratuitously abstruse relationship. This applies to both sexes, and any...

56. The meltdown - Part II: An Idiot Abroad

The following is a conversation between Farorientalism, the pseudonymous author of the self-titled, utterly brilliant and necessary blog about the image of Far Eastern countries in Germany, and Wash Echte. Farorientalism’s author is a Berlin-based journalist who prefers to stay anonymous. Make sure to visit his blog at farorientalism.blogspot.com (currently not available). Wash Echte: The...

55. The meltdown - Part I

Spring 2011. A catastrophe of apocalyptic dimensions has hit Japan, an ongoing tragedy that reveals the inability of a whole commercial sector, whose underlying structure of misinformation, lies, and blatant manipulation of facts for the sole purpose of profit, is suddenly brought to light. The incompetence of those involved proves itself to be so profound, that no one in their right mind can ever...

54. The Kanye West analogy

Once you’ve settled down in Berlin, the single most exciting and nonconformist conglomeration of buildings, streets, people and dirt that ever graced the surface of this planet, you will automatically turn into a one man travel agency for your fellow Auslanders back home. Prepare yourself to spend a few hours each day to answer the requests from your friends, distant acquaintances, and random...

53. Overly complicated board games

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

52. City-Special: Berlin

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

51. Club veterans

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

50. Counter culture

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

46. German film

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

45. Keeping it complicated

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

44. Crass books by quirky females

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

42. Lower-middle-class men

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

36. Role models

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

35. Flat sharing

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

34. Interior Decoration

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

This entry is exclusive to the book: Ich werde ein Berliner by Wash Echte. Available now from most major bookstores and Amazon. Published by Random House / Goldmann ISBN: 978-3442156474

32. (Literally) Mad Men

It had to happen sooner or later. Starting tonight, Mad Men, the hit TV series that’s been pocketing more awards than the average Mitte beardo pockets horse tranquilizers on a Sunday morning, is coming to Germany by way of the unencrypted, yet infinitely cryptic TV network ZDF Neo. Unless you have been living under a rock, you’re already painfully aware of the fact that Mad Men is this year’s The...

Guest column: Going to exhibitions

A guest column by Dolores Overgaard If you haven’t discovered this by now, you will soon find out that going to exhibitions occupies a central place in an urban nomad’s heart. This is because, to the Club Mate intelligentsia, no single quality is more desirable than the ability to create. Asked to describe themselves and their activities, an elite German person will use the word...

If it’s true that 35 percent of all internet traffic is used for transferring porn, then the remaining 65 surely must be clogged up by the ramblings of elite Germans in skinny jeans and granny dresses who brazenly teach an unsuspecting audience about all those vapid little aspects that, in their acutely voiced opinion, make the particular part of Berlin they recently moved to the only place that’s...

It cannot be stressed enough how important the ritual of moving is among elite German circles. Moving house is a tried and tested way to socialize with German people and stay in the center of their attention for a considerable span of time. From the announcement of your plan to move, the well publicized, crowd-sourced search for the perfect apartment, to the actual day of moving, a simple move of...

With the World Cup upon us, it’s about time you learn how to use the coming four weeks of football and partying to receive the maximum possible attention and affection from elite German people. Remember: Your declared mission objective is to be accepted into the very inner sanctum of elite Germany, so you won’t have much success acting like a typical football nut. Although the tens of...

28. Ricardo Villalobos

After a few encounters with elite Germans, you’ve probably been scratching your head who this Ricardo guy is they are constantly talking about. Ask a fellow Auslander in an unobserved moment and he’ll be able to confirm that unfailingly, in any conversation, elite German people will at one point start speaking in the most appreciative manner about this mysterious Ricardo as if they were referring...

Guest column: Women's Haircuts

Introduction: An often repeated opinion you’ll hear from German people is that it is extremely hard for a man to understand “the women”. When you’re with a group of German men, you can score some easy empathy points by saying: “Women - can’t be with them, can’t be without them!” Your German friends will respond by nodding contemplatively and think...

Ask them for the reason why they moved to Berlin, the usual explanation given by Auslanders and elite German people alike is that they felt a strong urge to break free from the confinement of their original surroundings to live the unconventional life of an artist in what they believe to be a more laid-back, non-conformist, and artistically inspiring place. The tried and tested way for anyone who...

26. City-Special: Munich

It seems the sole reason for the city of Munich to exist is to make Berlin people feel better about themselves. Whenever a conversation changes topic to the city of Munich, elite German people, without fail, will suddenly become very agitated, especially if they are die-hard Berlin-Mitte fans. At this point, prepare yourself for a thirty-minute lecture on how conservative, clueless, and backwards...

25. The internet

The German people’s relationship with the internet has always been a conflicted one. Even though no German person of the right type would ever describe themselves as conservative, once there’s too much change in too little time, like the paradigm shift the internet has brought to media consumption, then that kind of change will freak German people out. That’s why, up to until recently, the...

Who roots for the underdog? Well, German people definitely do — and they won’t be satisfied until the whole world joins them. What’s not to like? Supporting the underdog against an overpowering opponent is a nice gesture and nobody in their right mind would opt to live in a cold-hearted society solely ruled by survival-of-the-fittest. Predictably, elite German people are especially partial to...

In their ongoing quest to make themselves appear more cosmopolitan than their peers and pamper their fragile egos, elite German people have achieved good results by preposterously associating themselves with some kind of external entity, often a foreign country. Any German person who has stayed in another country for more than two weeks straight will readily be considered an expert by his peers,...

22. Allusive weekend chit-chat

Depending on your level of command of the German language, you might have been left more or less puzzled by a recurring ritual of elite German people — the allusive weekend chitchat. This ritual can usually be observed from Monday to Wednesday, or every day of the week if you are located in Berlin. It involves a group of two or three German people who happen to have spent the bygone weekend...

21. Keeping up with the news

“You are what you read,” a well known aphorism goes. Fair enough to suppose that by knowing what newspapers a person is reading, valuable insight into their mindset can be gained. Wouldn’t it be great to converse with your German acquaintances about current affairs and truly know what makes them tick? Just imagine, next time you join your German friends for another eight hour brunch session at a...

In most cultures, having lunch or dinner together is a great opportunity to get to know new acquaintances, break the ice, and build a friendship. It has been established by the social sciences that mealtime is that essential time of the day where you can kick back from the stress at your workplace and finally receive some much-needed comfort in a non-competitive setting. Back home, you might...

19. The official "Ich werde ein Berliner"... →

Not only German people love themselves a little self-exploration from time to time, so, on public demand, Ich werde ein Berliner put together its first online personality test. Are you ready to find out how well you blend in wiz ze Germans? Or, want to know why you have been getting the mailbox a lot recently when trying to reach your German acquaintances? You are about to find out all about it,...

18. Going on vacation

It’s that time of the year again - hard working people around the globe are going on break to enjoy a few weeks away from home, doing nothing but relaxing and enjoying themselves. After all, vacation time is the only time of the year where you can go wherever you like and do whatever you want, without worrying too much whether other people approve of it. Or so you thought. Living among German...

17. Demographics Dōjō: Upper-middle-class women

Demographics Dōjō aims at introducing and giving a closer look at some specific groups of German people. Let’s start with a fun group: Upper-middle-class women. Historically, German upper-middle-class women, or UMCW as they are commonly called, always were a bit hard to understand, especially for German upper-middle-class men. These often are overheard complaining about a certain lack of...

16. Personal transportation

German people are world-reknowned for their love of the automobile. Heck, didn’t they even invent it? German-brand cars are exported into the whole world and the automobile industry is one of the key industries of Germany. That’s why, upon coming to Germany, you expect the locals to all rock their fancy Beemers, Benzes, and Porsches. You probably even wonder if it would be of merit to also...

15. City-Special: Cologne

Cologne is actually one of the oldest cities in Europe. It was started by the Roman empire as some kind of wartime tactical experiment on how to cram as many people into a single place and at the same time keeping up the appearance and feeling of a boring, little village, thus effectively cloaking the size of the city from the Teutonic eye. In spite of the Roman empire long gone, the experiment...

14. Professionals

German people aren’t very good at being indifferent towards any given thing. One particular topic they just can’t seem to keep their minds off is America. Actually, the last recorded incident of a German person asking the question: Hey, what’s up with the USA? and another German person answering this with: Eh? Dunno, why are you asking? is dating back over 230 years ago. Since that point in time,...

In the past 20 years, no other musical genre has mesmerized German people more than Techno music. It is obvious that no other music is able to connect with the German soul in a symbiotic fashion like Techno music can, and accordingly Germany is the only country left on this planet where Techno music is still thriving today. While young, easily impressed people in basically all other countries have...

12. Accountability

When in Germany, you will witness many situations where German people are inconsistent with what they said earlier. While they keep preaching on and on about using bikes rather than automobiles (unless it rains), protesting against any war that wasn’t started by their own government, or the necessity of eating healthy food while sourcing their veggies from Aldidl or stuffing Döner into their...

11. Supermarkets

One of the interesting things to do once you arrived in any foreign country is to go shopping for food at a local supermarket. Isn’t it fun to learn about that other countries’ inhabitants by looking at the foodstuffs they prefer and how the product is presented? Supermarket chains all over the world are competing hard to give shoppers a better food-shopping experience - nowadays, even the...