Ich werde ein Berliner

Some German areas and their inhabitants necessitate a more thorough analyzation in order to find a tactic approach on how to blend in. So once in a while, this blog will take a closer look at specific places.

Let’s start with Hamburg. First, some facts: It’s the 2nd largest city in Germany (roughly 1,700,000 people “live” there), and officially the most boring and suburban big city in the western world, as determined by the OECD Lifestyle department. Hamburg people are infamous for being even less friendly and relaxed than in the rest of Germany, plus the weather is unspeakably bad all year round. Did you know Hamburg people have over 300 different words for “rain”? It’s so bad that, compared to Hamburg, even Berlin will feel like the Copa Cabana on Ecstasy.

Hamburg people basically come in three flavors: Tree Hugger, White Trash, and New Money. Regardless of what scene they belong to, Hamburgers are famous for their pert, prim and offish character. Sure, this applies to most other German people as well, but it seems Hamburg has become a magnet for the Prim and Offish much like Studio 54 was a magnet for models riding on white horses, wearing nothing but a see-through robe.

Because most Hamburg people, deep in their hearts, are actually small-minded villagers, they feel so intimated by their mid-size city that they had to split it up in even smaller, more manageable parts, much like, well, villages. For instance, there’s an Altbau village for hipsters (Karolinenviertel), a village for the New Money crowd (around that small pond in the city center whose name I can’t remember), and a village for the wrong type of German (anything east of the center)

Their questionable reputation doesn’t seem to bother them at all - actually, Hamburgers, being the self-possessed crowd they are, developed some kind of creepy, false pride about their flawed character, trying hard to give it a positive spin, which, of course is impossible and looks retarded to the outside world, but didn’t keep them from wearingironic T-Shirts and training jackets with words like “Derbe” (rough) or “Hamburg” on them. Basically, all Hamburgers think they are good at selling stuff, and so they all end up in sympathetic professions like real estate or advertising

If let loose, Hamburg people will go on and on about how Hamburg is the most beautiful city in the world. If asked why, they pause, shrug and come back with a lame answer referring to water, like “it has water canals”, or “it’s so close to the sea” (it’s not), or “I love walking around the harbor”. Don’t ever mention to them that all those activities aren’t much fun in ice-cold, pissing rain at five degrees Celsius, Hamburg’s year-round average temperature. They will try to argue that, by some complicated formula, Hamburg actually has more sun hours than Cape Town. Where sun hours are defined as the time the sun could be shining out their behinds if the fog wasn’t there. Or, you know, whatever.

Another thing you will Hamburgers hear talk about a lot is the Portuguese community in town. They have enabled Hamburgers to 1-up other Germans in the Cafe war when they could switch to Galao before the wrong type of Germans (to them, any non-Hamburger) discovered it. Because of this, Hamburg people now love their Portuguese co-inhabitants, and flock to their Pastelaria in droves to obsess about bland, badly burned cheese sandwiches.

Of course, Hamburgers are ignorant to the fact that the reason for the Portuguese to come to Hamburg is solely to seek inspiration for Fado songs by living in the most miserable town available on this planet.

The most arduous aspect of life in Hamburg is the inferiority complex of its inhabitants (cheers, Ian). Since Berlin has become Germany’s capital, Hamburg people have made increasingly desperate efforts to paint their city as one of the most exciting cities of the world. So far, these claims have resonated well, unfortunately only among Hamburgers. In a way, Hamburg is like the nerdy kid who just can’t get any recognition from the cool clique, no matter how hard it tries. And no, nerddom is not the new cool thing.

It’s no coincidence that the Swahili term for “bleak” and “boring” is in fact “Hamburg”, as in “Dude, your clay hut’s interior design looks waay Hamburg, it totally needs a makeover!”.

So, what’s the takeaway for you? If you’re planning mass murder, likethese famous Hamburgers, or for some sicko reason would like to live in a more suburban, more expensive version of Berlin with even worse weather and rougher people, then yeah, you’ll love Hamburg.