Ich werde ein Berliner

When in Germany, you will witness many situations where German people are inconsistent with what they said earlier. While they keep preaching on and on about using bikes rather than automobiles (unless it rains), protesting against any war that wasn’t started by their own government, or the necessity of eating healthy food while sourcing their veggies from Aldidl or stuffing Döner into their faces while watching the latest, illegally downloaded Coen Brothers movie, they are, at any time, fully aware that they might come across as being stuck-up, uncool, and bullying too much. To work against this image, German people use a tactical approach that, like Irony, also bears the sign of geniality as it allows them to do anything they dream up without the danger of appearing two-faced as they probably preached the exact opposite, like, the day before: Callous self-contradiction.

The important aspect of a German person’s self-contradiction is the non-accountability of it. For anyone, but especially for foreigners to call out, or even mention, an obvious contradiction in a German person’s behavior is considered very bad etiquette, on par with being employed by a multinational corporation or touching another person’s car. If you, even jokingly, call out a German person for his or her inconsistent behavior, you will notice their facial expression becoming more stern and passive-aggressive, and he or she will say “gee, take it easy, okay?” At this point, it’s recommended to quickly change the topic to something that will cheer the German person up, like jokes from yesterday’s TV Total show, or fresh gossip about some famous actor or Techno DJ moving to Germany.

What’s that? You also want to enjoy the uber-coolness of non-accountable self-contradiction? Sadly, for German people, this character trait is only acceptable an encouraged in German natives. So, if you are caught on a contradiction, it will be useful to come equipped with an arsenal of witty responses that will make up for your inconsistent behavior. To be able to do that, you will have to apply what you learned about German people so far. If you’re out of ideas, here are some examples:

German person: Uh? Why are you eating Döner? Didn’t you say you were only eating organic food?
You: I am, but to show the Turkish community I am down with them, I sometimes have a Döner in spite I went vegan 3 weeks ago.

German person: What? You came by airplane? Didn’t you also agree to go by train to save on your CO2 footprint?
You: Sorry, but going by plane was the only way to be in time for opening party of that new Minimal-Techno club.

German person: You bought a car? Why aren’t you driving a bicycle like everybody agreed you should?
You: (Looking to the sky) It looks like it’s going to rain hard soon. Let me give you a ride! We can put your bike in the trunk and stop by the health food store on the way home to stock up on organic produce and Bionade.

A few obvious contradictions that the German person can easily spot and you are able to refute in a positive way will tighten the bond between you and your German acquaintance. This also works if you are in a relationship with a German person. German people fear nothing more than monotony and lack of spontaneousness when in love with another person, and contradicting yourself now and then will serve nicely to keep the fire burning.