Ich werde ein Berliner

German people are world-reknowned for their love of the automobile. Heck, didn’t they even invent it? German-brand cars are exported into the whole world and the automobile industry is one of the key industries of Germany. That’s why, upon coming to Germany, you expect the locals to all rock their fancy Beemers, Benzes, and Porsches. You probably even wonder if it would be of merit to also get a nice car in order to blend in with the locals. Hold your horses right, there, Auslander! Your perception of the German love for cars is pathetically outdated. Outdated and uberuncool. Actually, the only people in Germany who are still openly into nice cars are either the wrong kind of German or people with Turkish roots. Sadly, both demographics will not be of much help getting accepted by the creme de la creme of German people.

When talking to an elite German person, the only acceptable way to mention cars is a negative one. An open aversion to everything automobile will tighten the bond between you and your German acquaintances.

That’s especially true when trying to find a date. Picking up your future girlfriend / boyfriend with a car will make you look like the most boring, square person on earth and conjure up images of their overzealous fathers, who spent more time and thought on his car than on their Rudolf-Steiner education. So, instead of being a sex catalyst, like, about anywhere else, in Germany owning a car will ruin your sex life for good.

There’s one exception from that rule though. If you must own a car, choose a really lame, beat-up, old car, and put some ironic stickers on it reading Indy 500, 1972, or “In my prior life, I was a Porsche”. The point is to make your ownership of the automobile appear as ironic as possible, and also don’t give them any clues about your salary. Remember, any highly paid job looks very suspicious to Germans, especially now during the financial and banking crisis. Much as withAltbau apartments, the more beat-up and fault-prone your car is, the better. It will give you plenty of talking points and German people will see you as a quirky, zany individual who is too clever to be materialistic.

With an ironic, old, shabby car ranking about 3rd or 4th on the personal transportation acceptance chart, you are probably asking yourself what the elite German person’s choice of transportation is. The answer is easy and surprising at the same time:

The bicycle.

Alright alright, there are plenty of sound reasons for not riding a bike. Being an adult for example. Or the fact that in Germany, it’s raining almost every day. Fear not. German people don’t have such an antiquated, boring ugly people’s concept such as adulthood or adjusting one’s activities to the weather. In Germany, it is perfectly acceptable to ride bicycles, skateboards, or whatever children toy you prefer, way into your 40s or even 50s. In some areas, where the elite German people live, the bicycle even is the only accepted means of transportation.

You are probably thinking, “Well, I could go to the countryside more often, and, among other stuff, ride the bike for a bit”. That’s weak thinking. The point of riding a bicycle in Germany is to ride it everyday, right in the city, where the heavy traffic is. This is something German people have adopted from Amsterdam, a city every German person is expected to love and look up to. Don’t mention the fact Amsterdam has a far superior infrastructure and topography for bicycle riding, hence bikes don’t look so much out of place like they do in any German city. It would make your German acquaintance very sad and give him a fit of low self-esteem. History taught us the world is better off without German people with self-esteem issues. But I digress.

Another reason why German people on bikes revere seeing other German people on bikes so much is from all the positive imagery  they connect with it. For example, any German male’s dream woman is a french girl with Amelie bangs, dressed in a mid-length skirt neon-colored American-Apparel tank top, and plimsolls, holding a fresh pain baguette under one arm and riding around Paris’ 19eme arrondissement on her old-fashioned madame bicycle to visit her artist friend’s modern art exhibitions.

On the other hand, the dream sex partner of any German woman is a scruffily good-looking 35 year old skater dude who isn’t displaying any boring features like ambition, style, or interest in soccer. German women will happily take two jobs to support that guys’ marihuana habit and give him more breaks to act out his skateboard and biking hobbies.

Of course, there is a blatant contradiction in the elite German people’s ways. They all fantasize about those mediocre, lower-mid-size cities one day becoming up-to par with metropolises like Los Angeles or Shanghai, but at the same time, they applaud any effort made to de-urbanize Berlin, Hamburg, Munich and Cologne to become more bicycle-friendly. Refrain from mentioning these contradictions to a German person. You will instantly be typecast as anything from a range of complicated and non-spontaneous foreigner up to strange capitalist pig, depending on the aggression level of that German bicyclist for that day, and to make up for it, you would probably have to help the German person move house a few times in a row. Remember, German people all have a huge vinyl collection, yet they love to move house a few times every year to make themselves more interesting to other German people.

Being a cyclist in Germany is a sweet deal as not only traffic laws are officially not applicable to you, but also because you get built-in moral high grounds as soon as you sit on a bike. German people love feeling superior to others and act aggressively at the same time, and nowadays the best way to divulge in both activities is riding a bike around a major German city. Mind you, German cities were not made for traveling through them on a bike, so it is mandatory to always pull an annoyed, reproachful face when on a bike. After all, you are a very zany, quirky, interesting, small-carbon-footprint individual busy saving the planet, while those proto-fascist car drivers and Fussgangers are only out there to block your way.

To ride your bike the German way, there are some rules to respect. Wherever there is a sidewalk, use it, but don’t lower your speed in order to make the walking people feel as uncomfortable as possible. You could even speed up a little as there is no danger of hitting a car on the sidewalk. If you hit a walking person, yell some abuse, and get the hell away. Remember, you are the elite and do not owe apologies to any member of the plebs.

Red lights, one-way streets, stop-signs and the like were placed in German cities after WWII by the zionist-american-wall-street-lobby conglomerate. By ignoring them, you are making a bold statement about yourself being a proud German person who will not suck up to americanized rules and regulations, just like those free-thinkers in Amsterdam. If another German person on a bike sees you pass a red light, he or she immediately will want to have children with you.

Of course, going into one-way streets in the wrong direction and passing red lights all the time will lead to many near miss accidents. Those boring, conformist lemmings in their cars are all stupid, and might act surprised when you suddenly shoot into traffic from an unexpected angle. If that happens, make no mistake - it is always their fault. In Germany, you are then free to kick a dent into their door, scratch the hood, or, if you are an experienced cyclist in Germany, actually get off your bike and start a fistfight with the driver. Don’t worry about the consequences. Apart from some other car drivers, German people will usually applaud you for getting back at those evil drivers, and speak on your behalf should the police catch you. A word of warning, though: Never scratch the car of a German person with Turkish roots. They are the ones in black BMWs with body kits.

Remember - as a cyclist in Germany, you always have moral high grounds, so what really seals the deal for bike riders is that they are not required to show any accountability and stick to their own rules. This means any acquaintance of yours who has a car has to happily give you and your bike a free ride whenever you feel like it. Granted, there are many rainy days in Germany and you do not want to be late to that electronic music recording session with your friends.