Ich werde ein Berliner

It had to happen sooner or later. Starting tonight, Mad Men, the hit TV series that’s been pocketing more awards than the average Mitte beardo pockets horse tranquilizers on a Sunday morning, is coming to Germany by way of the unencrypted, yet infinitely cryptic TV network ZDF Neo.

Unless you have been living under a rock, you’re already painfully aware of the fact that Mad Men is this year’s The Wire, i.e. the high-budget, mainstream television series from America that absolutely everybody loves and talks about, yet somehow serves those same everymen the pleasant feeling they’re members of a secret circle of insiders that’s culturally versed enough to recognize quality TV that is still under everybody else’s radar.

Mad Men was, until today, an elite German’s only valid excuse for spending long, passive hours in front of the TV. Your elite German friends loved the fact that they could easily beat those boring normal people at their own game, i.e., watching too much television, and keep up the carefully built facade of being super-individual, nonconformist rebels who are too clever to watch TV.

But now, there’s trouble in paradise. You’ve certainly noticed that the amount of mentions of Mad Men has recently increased exponentially. That’s because now that they have reason to fear their precious TV show could break into the mainstream and therefore forever lose its magical individuality-enhancing powers, elite German people have become feverishly invested in letting everyone know that it is them who are the biggest fans since minute one.

Just mention that you heard Mad Men has finally come to Germany, and they will launch into a heated diatribe about how awfully crap they think the German marketing campaign for Mad Men is. Once they say “it totally manages to mistake everything what the series is about – I will so ignore the German version,” give them a hug and tell them that you think they’d surely have done a much better job copywriting the German Mad Men campaign, and that it’s a pity that true creativity often goes unnoticed in our awfully mainstream society.

It is extremely important for any Aulander trying to blend in to never burst this fragile bubble of Mad Men-induced self-confidence that shields elite German people from their true, boring selves. Rather confirm to them that they were the first people in Germany / Berlin / Mitte / their street / their building / their flat share to correctly recognize what makes Mad Men great. They will thank you by once again reminding you that they usually never watch any TV, and only make this rare exception for Mad Men because “it’s, like, so authentic – the sets and costumes are so well designed and, whoaa, it totally inspires me to start a career in Television or something!”

Tell them that you admire their seemingly natural ability to evaluate the authenticity yield of a foreign TV series about a 1960s advertising agency and its characters, and they’ll think of you as a close friend who sees their true self, one who they’d consider inviting to one of their frequent pasta-and-four-euro-red-wine dinners.

Once you earn their trust, they might even invite you to a Mad Men theme party, where they dress up in arbitrary retro clothing, smoke and drink like there’s no tomorrow, and desperately try to be the most promiscuous person in the room. You know, in total contrast to what they do on the other 364 days of the year.

To the untrained eye, it may very well look like elite German people love Mad Men because it is a well-made series with a fairly complex plot. Think again, Auslander. The actual reason they love Mad Men is because it enables them to show off their own greatness. Each and every statement praising Mad Men is really a disguised praise about themselves or their lifestyle choices. Knowing this is a powerful tool. By decoding the code, you can gain valuable insight into the minds of your elite German friends. Those childish, insecure, utterly conformist minds.

Let’s look at the typical statements elite German people make about Mad Men and what they really mean:

You know, I first thought Mad Men was a bit boring and I wasn’t sure what all the fuss was about, but after giving it some time, I became addicted and couldn’t stop watching!” I know you find me mind-numbingly boring and frequently curse the day you met me, but if you’d endure my self-important, hackneyed stories a bit longer, you just might change your opinion about me.

“I love Mad Men because it totally celebrates the 60s, you know like, when times were less boring and people were drinking, smoking, f*cking, and generally enjoying life.” I feel really guilty about smoking, drinking, and sleeping around too much, but seeing those stylish people in Mad Men do it too makes me feel superior towards those boring normaltons again!”

Isn’t it alarming to see how backwards the United States were only fifty years ago? The perception of women, race, and gender roles was truly archaic and Mad Men to me is a stark reminder that we should never forget about those dark times.

“America is the devil. I hate America!”

Mad Men, at heart, is really about a man, and a country, finding out who they are, all at the same time.

“I am an intellectual who grasps the essence of everything way before everybody else does and isn’t afraid to pompously talk about the obvious as if it was a brilliant observation.”

It’s really inspiring for me to see how simple the advertising business worked back then. Everything seemed possible and there were fewer rules!

“I am a talentless, self-taught graphics designer struggling to find jobs other than designing free flyers for my brother’s hobbyist band.”

Don Draper and the other guys all look so stylish. The men of today should really take the hint and start dressing in a classier way!

“I sometimes feel self-conscious and ridiculed by my friends for having to wear formal clothing at work.”

Mad Men ist ja grossartig!!

“Ich bin ja grossartig!”

The real merit of Mad Men is that it serves as a loophole for elite Germans who are traumatized by the unbearable stress that comes with pretending to be creative, urbane cosmopolitans who’re too busy creating to ever do mundane things such as watching TV. Mad Men allows them to keep their sanity by spending a guilt-free, lazy day in front of the TV, which they won’t even have to hide from their vapid elite friends. Who knows – if it weren’t for Mad Men, they’d probably all have gone mad already.